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| 06:47pm 28/06/2009 |
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Recognizing the past's mistakes, through means of nostalgia, realizing those mistakes led to a better life; if I knew then, what I know now, I do not think I would have changed a thing. Though I blame my faults and instincts, it is those things that have gotten me this far. I don't wish, but want, and know that there is little to fear, and everything to fear at the same time. It is unfortunate, and fortunate, that these come at times you are not prepared, and whilst you wait for them, they do not come.
If you are deserving, you will win. However, few will do so. I do not pretend to be arrogant. |
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| Solidarity |
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| 08:51pm 24/02/2009 |
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If it's not lost, I will never find it.
The fear gives me the falling feeling, the train moves faster than my heart can follow. If it weren't for me (or you) I'd be dead, and that just wouldn't be worthwhile. The rain is cleansing, but sparse, for the unworthiness may fall upon me like specks of dust; who am I to say yes?
If you can't tell me so than I don't want to know. I will find the means by my own volition, and they cannot stop me. I cannot tell you the calamity of the past, nor do I desire to; it your journey, just as it was, and has been, mine all along.
I have made mistakes, and will continue to do so willingly. But I can guarantee you that I know much about myself. Nothing is fact, but nothing is fiction, and I will continue to explore the uncertainty of those shades of grey. |
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| 01:30pm 02/12/2007 |
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I need to jump. |
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| 12:56am 07/10/2007 |
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I don't understand how one word can make it suddenly hurt again...
Part of me is dying for things to go back, and part of me is so, so excited for new things. But how long will it take?
I don't understand, but I do, sometimes more than I wish I did, because if I didn't understand I could be mad. But then I wouldn't have it at all, and that would be much, much worse. |
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| 10:18pm 24/08/2007 |
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I wish I could pour my heart out on to paper, but it's been so long, and I've tried to make it impossible to remember those sad and depressing thoughts, that I just don't know what to say or write to make it better.
I've never felt like this before. And I guess that hidden dark side is coming out more lately, but it kind of feels good...in a weird, twisted, I want to throw up sort of way. I've spent so much time on my happy persona, I just don't know how to act otherwise.
Please, please. Let me have the strength and courage I need now. I don't want to be afraid of everything anymore. |
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| 12:47am 12/05/2007 |
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Wow, I haven't written here for a really long time.
I'm kind of missing something right now; something in me is not balanced and I am not acting well. I've been incredibly discontent, annoyed, impatient, angry...all of which I feel are not very becoming of me. Which is odd because I have been waiting for summer break for so long, and I'm finally home. Perhaps it's just the readjustment stage.
My insecurities are becoming more than just a pain in the ass and I'm slightly concerned I'm going to mess something up with someone down the line. I know things are not how they feel right now, but I can't seem to trust that knowledge, and am suddenly feeling very vunerable and somewhat insignificant, which again, is not very becoming of me. |
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| 09:16pm 16/01/2007 |
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So I've been sad, but in a different way that was muuuuch better than before. But I thought about something today that hasn't struck my mind since my first week home, and I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE! I have been content lately, and just want to stay that way. There shouldn't be should bes, or have tos, or need tos...there should only be want tos, and here's what feels right at this very moment in time...no worries about the future...I'm living NOW, not for then. So shut the fuck up and let me have the contentedness that has giving me some comfort for the past few weeks. |
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| 09:26am 29/09/2006 |
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I hurt. |
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| 11:33pm 15/09/2006 |
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Something amazing happened tonight.
I went through my first tornado warning!!! It was totally awesome. For those who don't know, the warning means one of two things: an actual tornado was sighted, or the circular pattern of the wind means a tornado may drop down at any moment. The sirens were going off and everything. I was in a church at the time, and kept cussing because I was so freaking excited. And yes, of course I went outside...:)
So I got the package today...with my Enya book, ALL of my FAVORITE music on 4 CDS!!!!, and a card that actually made me laugh at loud. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!
I got a card from my neighbor/grandma Pat too, which was realllly sweet. I heart getting mail from cool people!
Nate and I went out for Chinese food today too...my fortune said that "You have many talents"...hehe...
I also got at least an 88% on my first exam in Chemistry yesterday!:)
I love that I don't have a game this weekend and can sleep in for two days in a row. YES.
Ashley-I LOVE YOU SO F-ING MUCH!!! And btw, it was only 85,000, not a billion...:)
Krys- Thanks for being as weird, if not weirder, than me...hehe.
Emily- You. Are. Hott.
Chunks- There's this guy in my Political Science Reci class that TOTALLY reminds me of you...he's really cute too!:)
Justin- Pics, Pics, Pics...flup. |
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| 05:27pm 23/08/2006 |
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So here's the good news:
I'm getting most of the shittiest situations in the college experience out of the way all at the same time.
I'm homesick as hell. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, and I know I'm getting a lot here...I just wish a had my little circle of friends here-I think I would be able to enjoy it more because I wouldn't miss them so bad.
My doctor thinks I have mono, and I have been to the University health center twice in the past week, and will be there for a third time on Friday to confirm it.
School is going okay so far, despite everything...but I really don't want to take English or Political Science. I fell asleep in my first Political Science class, but that could be the illness speaking too.
I reallllly like my math and chem lab teachers!
And I still can't get over the fact that I made A rank...the nurse that took my blood was incredibly impressed, which made me uber proud of myself...hehe.
Well, I must be off to a lovely Political Science Recitation class...joy. It's my only night class though, which is fantastic. I came back today from 2-5:30 to eat lunch, do my house chore(duty, which is cleaning the first floor east bathroom this week), and sleeeeeep. I had a disturbing dream too. I will hopefully talk to you all soon! Talk to me so the distance doesn't seem so far!
OH! And btw, I may be getting a scholarship because of a weird, cosmic event and my wonderful mommy, but I will tell you about it later.
-Nicole |
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| Lots to update |
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| 07:52pm 19/08/2006 |
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I friggin miss you all lots.
But I did make some friends with some cool people.
People are nicer in general here.
People are also generally a LOT more conservative...I feel like perv.
I'm like the only one here that doesn't go to church.
My roomate is very cool. We talked a lot today.
I made A rank(first part) on the trumpet line. :) We also performed in front of a U of A band day sized audience on Friday and totally rocked it.
College parties are fun, even if you aren't drinking. TGIO(Thank God It's Over) was fun, and I actually danced!
I probably have strep and went to the doctor's today, but surprisingly, I'm not as ick as I was worried I would be, if that makes any sense.
So far, today is the first day that I haven't cried at all. I'll let uyou know if that changes.
I love Justin.
I bought some amazingly cute shorts today for $5...:)
Did I mention that I miss you all?
-Nicole |
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| 11:36am 08/08/2006 |
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*sigh*
I wish I could make it better.
You smiling makes me happy.
You're cute when you're sleeping, particularly when you're doped up on pain medication...
I stink, I need a shower, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, my mouth hurts cuz of the damn rouch dentist, and my heart hurts.
I hope to see you all tonight. |
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| My weekend. |
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| 11:03am 01/08/2006 |
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I went to Three-Points with Justin and got to chill with his family. His nephew's apparently love me, and apparently they have "good taste". We went four-wheeling, which was awesome, and I got to drive a little bit, which was even awesomer.
I laughed a lot, I didn't cry, and I realized more than ever how much I love my best friend.
Then we went to Jessica's...
No cops was good.
Puking is not fun.
Her next door neighbor is very, very sweet.
And apparently I taste like fruit roll-ups...:P
Good weekend. I liked the first half the best. |
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| 11:02am 01/08/2006 |
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-1 secret
-1 compliment
-1 insult
-1 thing you wish you could change about me
-1 thing you admire about me
-1 thing you love about me
-1 thing you hate
-1 song that reminds you of me
-1 object that makes you think of me
-1 thing you just wanna say |
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| The River |
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| 02:06pm 29/07/2006 |
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So yeah...my dad is pretty much the coolest ever. He just went kayaking in the freaking wash. From Houghton past Craycroft. And he lost the boat and was in trouble. But...he's alive, so he's pretty much the coolest ever. :) |
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| 12:53am 21/07/2006 |
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I went to Karaoke and got over yet another fear this summer.
Today was an unusually up day, for the most part.
Some people really piss me off.
I did the time warp with a bunch of strangers today.
This next year is going to be good for me...maybe I can stretch my comfort levels to the same capacity as my mind. I hope so.
I love you. And I realized that I can't force myself to not love you. And I think I realized that it's okay; that's normal, and other people can just deal with it.
I'm sick of thinking so much about the future.
It's been a week... |
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| 10:44am 11/07/2006 |
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I wonder if this happens all the time? Like, when I'm not around?
I'm having a low morning. |
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| A Close Second |
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| 11:19am 06/07/2006 |
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So. Yesterday was good. I danced, I ate good food, I got something productive done, and I had some good fun with my best friend. Not to mention...it freakin' stormed hardcore. I had just gotten out of the shower and then I ran out side(after stripping some of my clothes that I didn't want to get wet off), and just stood there, for not even five minutes. I was soaked. And it just kept getting better. I did have to go in though, to get ready to go to SAAF, which was very thearaputic.(sp?!)
Thank You For Smoking is a good satire.
But you all should see An Inconvienient Truth.
Oh by the way, last night was probably a close second. Don't ask me why. |
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| Finale |
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| 12:59pm 25/06/2006 |
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Ok. So I'm flying out to college by myself. I'm gonna leave probably in the morning of Friday, August 11, so make sure I see you before then, if you want to chill...
I went to the races to watch/help(watch everyone help) Justin's dad race last night...it was really fun/entertaining. He did really well...and sitting in the center was awesome!
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
-Nicole |
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| 12:44am 23/06/2006 |
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mood:  weird
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I had an awesome day today. I ate lunch with the beautiful Abbigael Simpson after watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days...Matthew McConehey(sp?!)...
Then I went to the STYX concert...OMFG! It was so much fun, and sooooo very good...we got to get really close, like nearly touching distance to the band members. I yelled so loud, it was good. Now I'm half deaf.
And now, I just got home from playing games for two hours with Kelly, Michelle, Brad, and Justin...fun people they are. I laughed. And yesterday Emily made me laugh my ass off, which I haven't been doing enough of lately.
I also started my room today...I took all of my band stuff off of my walls, and am working on cleaning my desk out completely. My parents are giving me pretty much half of the closet for stuff to leave, but the pictures are coming with me!
Sensual is the word of the night...and I realized that I love that word, in both the nonsexual and sexual senses. Let's be sensual. |
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